Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I Am Tired

     I have no excuse for not posting for two months except that I've been tired and that it's not the only New Year's resolution myself, and most everyone else, has backslid on. There's good tired, there's bad tired, there's I have a child tired, and there's I can't be bothered to clean up the six rolls of toilet paper my cat tore to shreds tired. I've been all of those.
     Quite frankly, i've been pretty much exhausted for most of this year. When I admit this to someone they always ask if I'm sick or depressed because there must be something wrong for me to be exhausted. Really? I didn't realize I was that energetic of a guy in the first place. I'm happy most of the time like anyone else. Physically, I'm good. I'm just fucking tired.
     It seems anymore we forget that fatigue isn't always a sign of physical or mental illness. It isn't a weakness. Fatigue is sometimes just fatigue. It's your mind and body telling you that you're doing too much, asshole. Yes, my mind and body call me an asshole. I don't blame them, though, with everything I do to them.
     I've been bouncing from shift to shift at work. That's the main culprit. It's an old story. The gears of a corporation must turn constantly and when you're needed at the crank the corporation doesn't really give a shit about you or your family. A corporation isn't even capable of caring because, despite what the Supreme Court thinks, a corporation isn't a person. They have become so they aren't even a collection of people anymore but just a mechanism to make money.
     I know there are, and have always been, people that work swing shifts as a regular thing. There are coal miners that
switch shifts every week, truck drivers that don't know what a regular work week is, paramedics and firefighters and police that work insane hours, and, of course, soldiers that don't really have days or even hours off. I have three things to say about that. There's usually some kind of order to it whereas my bouncing between shifts has been random, I'm grateful those people do what they do but I think they're crazy too, and most of those people aren't single parents.
     My son has always been taken care of during this period. I would have quit my job if there was any chance he wouldn't have been. As if we're both more handsome versions of Ringo Starr, my son and I get by with a little help from our friends. I feel like I should add and family to that but that would be unnecessary words and you can probably tell how much I hate unnecessary words. I'm one of those fortunate individuals who can count most of his family as friends too.
     Still there's the constant stress and energy of making sure, when my shift requires it, there is someone lined up to watch my son. Then there's everything else. There's laundry, dishes, vacuuming, bill paying, errand running, and everything else. No one seems willing to do those for me, at least not for what I can afford to pay. When I'm on dayshift continously I fall into a nice routine that allows me to maintain those things, if not well, at least good enough. When I get tossed to another shift it throws everything off for not just that week but the first week I'm back on days, too. And lately I've been thrown around all over the place.
     It isn't just the random shift switches, though. There's another reason I've managed to be as tired as someone that's too tired to think of a good metaphor and yet haven't really gotten anything done either. I guess it's a question of priorities. On the weekends I have my son I do things with him whether it's hiking or just hanging at home playing video games especially if I've been on second shift and we haven't seen each other all week. I'll do just enough dishes, laundry, and grocery shopping to get us by and spend the rest of my time with him. I know there are people that consider a clean house essential to a child's life but I'm not one of them. I'm pretty sure time with me will have a bigger effect on his life than time spent cleaning.
     It sounds like that time should at least be restful but anyone that has a child, and especially anyone that knows my son, should know it isn't. Even if we're just watching TV together, which doesn't happen too often, he tries to maintain a constant conversation and he'll bounce around like a madman. It seems like he thinks commercial breaks are just an excuse to bounce on Dad, too. He has all the energy I don't have and then some. I love and, mostly, enjoy the hell out of it but I'll never call time spent with him restful or relaxing.
     Priorities come into play on the weekends my son is with his mom, too. I have to drive him up on Friday and pick him up on Sunday so those days are mostly shot. So on Saturday do I catch up on my cleaning and chores during the day and rest up at night? If you think the answer is yes you don't know me very well and you haven't been paying attention. During the day I'll mostly read or play a game. Take some me time basically because I barely know what me time is anymore. That's another reason I haven't been writing much; writing takes me time. Then at night I'll go out and have fun and do all sorts of adult stuff I don't get to do much any other time. I prioritize myself over everything else one day every other weekend. It's selfish but it's part of being a good parent too. My son doesn't need a father who is completely batshit crazy.
     I should be back on dayshift to stay for awhile starting next week though and after the adjustment period everything should get easier. It still won't be easy but I don't know how to finish that thought. I do know that I look forward to getting back to writing here and feel like I almost need to. I have material saved up. My ex wife got engaged and I'm sure I have something to say about that. There's two weekends in January I want to compare and contrast and tell amusing stories about my son one weekend and a singer that stuffs his pants and feeling like the oldest guy in the bar the next weekend. I also wrote about my first girlfriend on here and intended that to be a series. I have ideas.
     So I apologize for going so long without writing. I'm just tired and a parent and a whiner. Besides creative types tend to go through periods of intense output followed by periods of laziness. And if you're thinking that I'm not a creative type please just humor me. So I should be making up for my absence over the next couple of weeks and if not summer, when my son is with his mother, is not far away. I should get some rest then if you consider sitting around by myself, missing my son, and writing self depreciating blog posts to be restful.

1 comment:

  1. You do just fine with everything. We all know you are a great Dad.