Saturday, July 12, 2014

My Happy Ending

     There are divorced people that don't deserve a happy ending but find it anyway.  They aren't good people and they do everything wrong.  They're selfish and prioritize their own happiness over everyone else's including their children's.  Yet, their lives makes a mockery of karma when they get exactly what they want.  Still, there are good divorced people that are dedicated to their children and actually learn from their previous mistakes that find exactly who they deserve and get their happily ever after on their second or third chance.
     There are divorced people that don't deserve a happy ending and don't get one.  They get exactly what they deserve by never getting married or marrying someone just like them and fans of karma stand and applaud.  Still, there are divorced people that deserve to meet someone new, someone good for them, who never do.  They get to the point where they either cling to someone not good for them out of fear of loneliness or they just accept loneliness as part of life and give up.
     Most divorced people don't fall into any of those groups.  For the rest of us there isn't a deserve or don't deserve.  We're neither saints nor sinners but just people that one thing didn't work out for so we hope to find another.  Deservedness nor karma really enter into it.  It's mostly about patience and luck and if our patience can last until luck comes along.  The bad news for us is that no one is entitled to love.  The good news for us is that there's a lot of love out there if we don't give up on it.
     Love is mostly luck.  That's something that most people don't acknowledge but probably should.  If we have it we like to think we earned it and if we don't we like to think we can earn it.  If you're happily married, though, think about how you met and how much luck was involved in it.  My parents met at a VFW function.  Given how active my dad and my mom's family were in VFW activities in that area is was probably likely that they would meet sooner or later.  They were active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, though, because my mom's father and my father had both fought for their country.  Think about that.  If my grandpa hadn't fought in and survived World War II and my dad hadn't fought in and survived the Vietnam War my parents might have never met.
     It's not just about meeting each other either but meeting at the right time to be able to be with each other.  If the man is ready to settle down but the woman isn't yet, or vice versa, it's not going to work.  There's this myth that persists that love conquers all but it really doesn't.  Loves greatest rival is circumstance and love has lost out to circumstance a lot more than it's won.
     That's why love is harder to find for single parents.  The circumstances are less likely to be right.  I've had a couple of relationships not be able to actually become relationships because the demands of parenthood, and doing what is best for our children, meant we couldn't move closer to each other.  I had another relationship die because I was just learning the demands of being a single parent and neither of us were at a time in our lives where we could handle the adjustment and love too.  Circumstance is an even tougher opponent for love when you're a single parent.
     It isn't just circumstances, though.  Tonight I had to tell someone that I couldn't have a relationship with them because they have problems in their life that I couldn't have in a potential partner's life.  They were problems I, as a parent,  couldn't risk potentially bringing into my son's life.  If I ever do move in with someone or get remarried they are going to be one of the primary female influences, one of the primary influences of any kind, in my son's life just by virtue of being here.  Given that fact, I have to hold a potential partner to the same high standards as a potential parent as I hold for myself as a parent.  Since I often don't live up to those it's probably not fair to ask someone else too but love isn't fair.
     So to settle down again I have to not only meet the right person for me but I have to meet the right person for my son, I have to be the right person for them and their children if they have any, and I have to meet them at a time in their life when they are ready for me and all my baggage and a time in my life when I can handle them and their baggage.  Plus, I can't move to do it and I have limited chances to do it because I'm busy being a parent.  That's a lot of luck to ask for and I'll have to be really patient.
     I have to admit my patience is wearing thin, though, as it does for all single people from time to time.  Fortunately for me, I might do some stupid things out of loneliness but I'm not the type to end up in a relationship I don't want or need out of loneliness. Still, if you're single, your patience is dwindling, and you won't settle for less because of it then there's only two choices left.  I can either give up on the idea or focus my life on finding someone really quickly and become desperate.  I don't like either of those choices.  I suppose there are a couple of other choices.  I can whine about it on the internet or just get drunk and forget it.  I'm not above employing either of those strategies.
     Whenever I write something like this I get people telling me that I'm a great guy and I'll find someone.  That I just have to be patient.  I'm always flattered and grateful that people say that but it's not really what I want to hear.  Obviously, I know I have to be patient and I know I'm an alright guy.  What do I want then?
     Mostly, I want summer to be over and my son to be back home.  I want less time to myself and less time to think about all of this.  I want to be rushing to practices and cheering on the sidelines at football games.  I want to be talking about books and playing video games with my buddy.  I want him sitting on my lap making me watch silly videos on YouTube.  I want to be tucking him in every night and him hugging me and trying not to let me go anywhere.  Really, when I have all that I don't much think about not having anyone else.  That's my version of a happy ending and I get it in just a few weeks.  I think my patience can probably hold out that long.

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful and honest words you have there. You are such an amazing father, with your son's welfare and benefit always first in your mind, which I came to realize after reading your posts. Your candor and pragmatic views do you credit, but you never lack compassion because of them, unlike others who share the same virtues. I can only guess the hardships of living a life as a single-divorced dad and it's amazing to see how your love for your son carries you through all of them. I'm hoping that everything goes well for you and your son, especially this coming school opening.

    Gregg Jackson @ Sherrill & Cameron