Thursday, June 12, 2014

Thirty Questions

     Just for fun,and to keep myself awake so I actually make it to work in the morning, if I could ask just one question of various people here's what I would ask them.

Barack Obama
     What is Michelle like in the bedroom?

Stephen Colbert
     How often do you give the Colbert bump to yourself?

Derek Jeter
     What do you think about the fictional diaries of yours that Mark Lisanti writes for Grantland?

My dad
     Looking at your dad, yourself, and your children, do you think it's fair to say that awesomeness skips a generation in the family and if so how do you explain your grandchildren?

My mom
     One does not question my mom.

Stephen King
     If I had the chance to look Stephen King in the eye and ask him a question I wouldn't. Instead, I would kidnap him and force him to write books just for me.  If he tried to escape I would break his ankles.  Eventually he would develop Stockholm Syndrome and together we would kidnap George R. R. Martin and force him to finish the Song of Ice and Fire series.

Abraham Lincoln
     What was Mary Todd like in the bedroom? (She wasn't exactly a looker like Michelle but you know what they say about crazy women and sex)

     How can you call yourself a feminist and still make such sexist jokes?

Steve Jobs
     How much does it amuse you that you were called a genius simply because you figured out that a business can make money by making cool stuff, having it all made by cheap Chinese labor, and then marketing it well so you can charge far more than it's worth?

Anne Rice
     How hard has it been trying to reconcile the side of yourself that is fascinated with human darkness with the side of yourself that was raised Catholic and also what are you like in the bedroom?

Shigeru Miyamoto
     Is it possible for me to inhale your essence and absorb your staggering creative poweress sort of like a real life Kirby's Adventure?

My son
     Where the hell is the remote control?

Lebron James
     Do you ever wish you'd became a ballet dancer instead of a basketball player?

Jesus Christ
     Does it amuse you or depress you that so many of your followers get so bogged down in semantics that they forget about your central philosophical tenet of loving one another and also what was Mary Magdalene like in the bedroom?

     Do you really think this is funny?

Stone Cold Steve Austin

My cat Simba
     How often do you think about killing me in my sleep?

My potential dates
     How much more unlikely does reading this make you to ever go out with me and what are you like in the bedroom?

     Can't you go a little longer without using sex as a crutch for your disabled sense of humor?

Seth MacFarlane
     Was the secret to repeating a joke over and over and still making it funny?

Hank Williams Jr.
     Why must you live out them songs that you wrote?

My brothers
     What has life been like knowing that you can never match the wit and intellect of your younger brother?

Mark Twain
     How pathetic do you find this weak attempt at humorous writing?

My exes
     How often do you find yourselves simultaneously wishing you could sleep with me one more time and wondering what the hell you ever saw in me in the first place?

My friends
     How embarrassed are you by me?

Albert Einstein
     If God does not play dice with the universe how do you explain the existence of fart apps on smartphones?

Hulk Hogan
     Whatcha gonna do, brother?

     If all the world's a stage can you speak to the director for me about giving me a better role?

Tom Cruise
     How do you feel about being a name I picked at random just so I could call the post Thirty Questions and also what are Rebecca De Mornay, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, and Katie Holmes like in the bedroom?

     You just couldn't resist beating that dead horse one more time, could you?

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